Thursday, August 02, 2012

Just reading over "Old Soldiers" to evaluate the remaining dialogue to be written and experienced that "I like this!" click in my head. I've already shared some of the play in this blog before but since I'm feeling mellow and pleased with myself, here is another taste of the play.

To set up the scene: Joe and his friends are waiting for the arrival of Al, who is supposed to join them. They are getting increasingly concerned and speculating as to the reason for his not being there yet. Chuck is the bartender. Comments always welcome, by the way.



JOE

Does anyone know Al’s last name? I’ll go look it up in the phone book.
‘Hey Chuck – where’s your phone directory?’


BARTENDER (CHUCK)

Don’t have one anymore


JOE

Whad’ya mean you don’t have a phone directory? What do you do when you when you want someone’s phone number? Guess?


BARTENDER

People have cell phones these days


JOE

Not everyone uses them there fancy cell phones, y’know! I don’t! They don’t! In any case, you still need t’know a number now and then


BARTENDER

Cell phone has all that information stored. Phone…text…it’s all there


JOE

Always inventing new contraptions so’s they have an excuse to charge more. How am I supposed to find out this guy’s phone number? He don’t own a cell phone!


MAC

I read somewhere that regular type phones will be a museum piece, soon. We’ll all hav’ta go to them eventually, I suppose


BARTENDER

Here – gimme the guy’s name and I’ll look it up for you


MAC

That little thingie has a phone book, too? How do they fit all those numbers in that little phone?


BARTENDER

Yup. So what’s your friend’s name?


JOE

Al…Al Springer


MAC

He lives on Green Avenue…or was it White…a color anyway



JOE

Some help you are


MIKE

I think he moved 6 months ago. Don’cha remember him saying he was moving to the veterans hospital?


JOE

He’s been sayin’ that for years


MIKE

Maybe he finally did! Did you find the number?


BARTENDER

…Springer, Flo…Springer, Jack… No Al Springer


JOE

Course not! He don’t own a cell phone! That’s why he’s not there!


BARTENDER

His number would be listed, anyway


MIKE

How we gonna find out? Maybe – and I don’t wanna think about it… Maybe he…like…died and we missed his funeral. We should’a been in touch with him earlier. At our age, we should stay in touch with each other every day


JOE

Listen – if he passed – I would know about it. I’ve been reading the obits every day for 50 years.


MIKE

Then where is he?


MAC

Maybe he died and they just buried him in an un-marked grave


JOE

Little bluebird of happiness aren’t we?


MAC

You never know


JOE

Like you/said, maybe he moved into the vet hospital or – whatever


MAC

What happens if…he’s like - homeless, living on the street?


JOE

Oh fer… Why would he be living on the street if he has an apartment?


MAC

Maybe things changed. Maybe he ran out’ta money or something


JOE

And you think I’m negative?


MIKE

Lemme see that cell thingie? Geesh – it’s so light and small. Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna lose it or it’ll drop outta your pocket?


MAC

Wanna try mine?


JOE

An old fart like you turning trendy at 81? Little too late for that


MAC

Why can’t you be happy for me? You’re never happy about anything for anyone. Complain…complain…


JOE

I calls it like I sees it. If you can’t stand to hear the truth…


MAC

Imagine carrying this around with you and being able to talk whenever you feel like it, anywhere. You could even talk and pee at the same time


JOE

If I wanna speak to somebody that badly, it’ll wait. No privacy these days. Where’s the dial buttons? I don’t see any


MAC

Right there


JOE

Those are the buttons? They’re okay if you’re a midget or a kid


MAC

Hey! Look who walked through the door, alive and kicking. Well alive, anyway.


JOE

You could’a called! We thought the worst


AL

I’m here, ain’t I? Won’t be long, anyway, ‘til I join old Percy, the way I feel lately


MIKE

You had us worried to death you croaked and we missed your funeral.


JOE

That would be too logical for him to tell us he’s gonna be late. He’d rather make a grand entrance like always


AL

What grand entrance? Dragging my aching old body around?


JOE

You still didn’t tell us why you’re late


AL

I was conversing with my landlady and lost track of time. Something wrong with that?


JOE

Would this be the same landlady that struts around in a see-through negligee? How old is she, anyway? Seventy-five? Gravity failed her a long time ago!


AL

Age is just a state of mind. You’re just jealous ‘cause you ain’t got anybody special. Who’d wanna be with someone like you, Joe, who hates the world?


MAC

Al – you are one sneaky and horny bastard


MIKE

(laughing and coughing)

Maybe horny in his head but not where it counts!


AL

You’re all jealous of me! I wasn’t missing in action, if you get my drift


JOE

The only action you’ll see is in your dreams


AL

Think so? I’ll have you know…


MAC

Spare us the images. Can I have my cell phone back, now?


JOE

I was just about to hand it over. You think I was gonna steal it?


MAC

You could accidentally slip it into your pocket


JOE

Gimme a break! Whad’ya need one for, anyway? Most everyone we know has passed and those who are left are non compos mentis in retirement homes


MIKE

What’ll it be, Al? Joe’s paying so make it expensive


AL

I’ll pass. Sheila made me one of those fancy coffees. Cappa…cappo…whatever


JOE

Sheila is?


AL

Sheila – my landlady. We like to discuss things over a coffee


JOE

Strictly talking I’m guessing


AL

Okay. Here’s the truth. We had wild sex and she couldn’t get enough of my body. What’s it your business? I’m here – that’s all that matters. If Joe’s paying – I’ll have that drink


MIKE

‘Bartender – a drink for my friend, here’


JOE

What am I? Chopped liver? Where you living, anyway?


MAC

Didn’t you say you were moving to a Vet hospital?


AL

Same place. I always wanted to move but somehow, it never happened. It’s like the end of the line when you go there


MIKE

But you need help, Al. At least there’s therapists and people who could make your life easier


AL

Meanwhile, as long as there’s life in this here body, I’ll live on my own. Anyway, I have a cleaning lady come in once a week to help


JOE

I reserved a table for us over there in the corner


AL

So who’s going to Percy’s funeral?

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