Arks to Go 1: Angie meets the ark builder

ARKS TO GO
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR
 
SCENE: WOMAN STARING OUT OF WINDOW

WOMAN
This is getting ridiculous...all this rain falling day after day... It’s gotta mean something...

(Grabs cell phone and checks for phone number)

WOMAN (cont'd.)

Good thing I kept the number... Aha! Found it!

(punches in phone number)

WOMAN
Hello... Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone? Someone?

(DEEP) VOICE
I’m here – where are you?

WOMAN
Is this Noah’s Ark?

VOICE (NOAH)

It could be. Who wants to know?

WOMAN
I saw your ad on TV yesterday. Do you build arks, perchance?

NOAH
With whom am I speaking to or with or at?

WOMAN
You don’t know me...

NOAH
...but you know me? How strange

WOMAN
I mean to say that I know you through your TV ads, not on a one-to-one basis

NOAH

That would explain it, then. Noah’s my name and arks are my game (chuckles)

WOMAN
Then I’ve got the right person. Listen...

NOAH
You know my name so it’s only fair I know yours

WOMAN
I’m not sure...I mean, I’m just calling you for information, actually

NOAH
Do I sense uncertainty on your part? Perhaps you really don’t want to build an ark?

WOMAN
I'm seriously contemplating the idea. Y'see – it’s all this rain that we’ve been having. Never ending, day-after-day, pelting down, and then there’s all that flooding all over the world. I think somebody is trying to tell us something if you get my drift

NOAH

(laughing)
‘Get my drift’ - very droll - and you want to build an ark. You made a witty statement. I like a sense of humor! It shows a healthy mind

WOMAN
Whatever - my ex would disagree... So you’ll sell me one?

NOAH
Sell? My dear – I don’t sell arks. I custom build them to certain specifications

WOMAN
That sounds expensive. How much do you charge?

NOAH
Not everything has a monetary value. Now...say I do agree to make you an ark, how many species are we talking about here?

WOMAN
I’m...not sure what you mean

NOAH
How many animal friends will be joining you on the ark? Fifty...one-hundred...ten thousand...more perhaps?

WOMAN
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about – well – taking... any extra animals along. Just me, my cat Diamond and Clover, my dog

NOAH

You’re not...taking...any... animals? Oh no no! That won’t do at all. We couldn’t have that. Absolutely not! Good bye!

WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Noah? Are you there?

(she punches in buttons frantically)

WOMAN (cont'd.)
Just what I need, to piss off the ark builder... It’s ringing... ‘Answer – please!’

NOAH
Arks to Go. Noah here

WOMAN
It’s me again! I’m sorry! You never mentioned anything in the ad about taking animals along! I mean, I’m allergic....

NOAH
I see...

WOMAN
...but I could take antihistamines! Please – build me an ark?

NOAH

Perhaps. So now how many species will be joining you?

WOMAN
I dunno. How about two dozen? Would that be acceptable? I mean, twenty-four is a good round number

NOAH
A hundred would be better

WOMAN
A hundred? Animals? What’s the matter with me? We’re only talking about cats and dogs and chipmunks and maybe birds...some deer...a couple of ducks and geese

NOAH
Actually, I'm  thinking more in the line of elephants, tigers, zebras – species of that nature

WOMAN
Say what?

NOAH
You remember the last time. Two of everything?

WOMAN
Would that also include – well – a human type male?

NOAH
That would indeed. Just you and him, the only humans on the ark

WOMAN
I see... I suppose I could adapt to wild animals. After all, I do clean kitty litter. So how long do young think it will take to build the ark? Not that I want to rush you or anything but all this rain is swelling the rivers and we still have to load all those elephants and tigers. No snakes, okay? I hate snakes!

NOAH

No snakes. That what got you humans in trouble in the first place